Grace Among the Tissues

I have wrestled for years with guilt and shame over my past and with the question behind so much well-meaning advice: what do you do when you can’t seem to “forgive yourself”, yet you desperately want to move forward?

We hear it so often: “Learn to forgive yourself”, or “You need to let it go”, or “Forgiving yourself is important to move on.” I’ve heard it, I’ve repeated it, and I’ve wondered the same thing: how do you actually do that, especially when the same failures replay in your mind, and the enemy uses them to accuse you?

Here’s what I’m learning: the real issue isn’t finding a way to pardon myself as if I’m the judge; it’s learning to receive what Jesus has already done. “Self-forgiveness” can sound humble, but it often keeps me looking inward for relief, while the gospel invites me to look outward and upward: to Christ’s forgiveness, given by grace, received by faith.

A short while ago, I was struggling with ugly stuff from my past (again). I was burdened by the guilt and shame of it. In desperation and exhaustion from dealing with this issue over and over, I cried out to Jesus! (Literally! And it was not pretty. There was a lot of tears and sobbing and snot and tissues strewn everywhere) I felt so stuck! The frustration and confusion were overwhelming! I did not know how to forgive myself. If I could just forgive myself, I could get past my past. And so, I cried and cried until there were no more tears.

I was struggling with forgiving myself. Why is this so difficult? Surely, I am missing something. Everyone else seems to be able to do this. Why do I find it so hard? But amid tears and emotion, the Holy Spirit was stirring my soul. I started to realise that something about forgiving myself didn’t make sense. It caused my brain to glitch like an Xbox game with a coding error. How can I tell Jesus, I forgive myself? Isn’t that the opposite of what is in the Word? Isn’t that pride? If I can forgive myself, why did Jesus need to go to the cross? Am I my own idol? Oh God! Help me! Jesus, I need you! Help me understand!

Now, stay with me here, because what I remembered in that moment was a scene from the movie of Paul the Apostle. He was in prison in Rome for the last time. And he was sleeping but dreaming. In his dream, he sees people whom he had killed or ordered to be killed before his conversion. And when he awakes from the dream, he immediately says: “Your grace is sufficient. Your grace is sufficient” (2 Corinthians 12:9). If anyone had an ugly past to make him feel shame and guilt, it was Paul! But he knew Jesus, and the forgiveness found only in Him!

And then the penny dropped. And again, the tears flowed, but this was different as I heard the Holy Spirit minister to my soul, saying, “My child, you cannot forgive yourself. You do not need to forgive yourself. I have done it. You are forgiven. My grace is sufficient. It is finished” (John 19:30). Oh, the joy and the grace I felt in that moment among the tissues. The burden had shifted. It is finished. He has done it! I am forgiven. Yes! Thank you, Jesus! Oh hallelujah!

The Word tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). It does not tell us to forgive ourselves. Instead, it points us to forgiveness in Christ. In Him we have redemption through His blood (Ephesians 1:7). And this is amazing because now, whenever the enemy tries to throw anything from my past at me, I simply tell him, “Nice try! By the blood of Jesus, I am forgiven. This has been dealt with, and it no longer has a hold on me.” And he must leave, defeated.

So, if you’re stuck in the same place I was, here is the turning point: you don’t need to forgive yourself; you need to receive the forgiveness Jesus has already secured for you.

Try praying (out loud if you can): Jesus, thank You that Your grace is sufficient and Your work is finished; by Your blood I am forgiven, help me live like it today.

He is faithful, and His forgiveness is stronger than your past. If you need prayer, come find me at church. I would love to pray with you if you are struggling too.